Our Babies in Heaven

I've had a really hard time finding my voice lately amid the special difficulties we have faced this year. Sharing with the world can be challenging in terms of finding a balance. But in one area I know we are in good company: so many families have little ones waiting in heaven. Our pregnancies have always been welcomed and celebrated, including our most recent, which was entirely too short.

May 5th I found out I was 4 weeks along - complete shock! At 42, I had sort of assumed I was past my time. What a time of praise and joy, as well as nerves and uncertainty!

We only knew for about 10 days before we had to say goodbye... at 6 weeks I miscarried. Having miscarried twins in 2007, I had a little experience going in. It's been important for me to know exactly what is happening and what to look for during miscarriage, and there is plenty of good information online now. Personal accounts helped me the most. I would like to emphasize for anyone who has yet to experience this loss that, if it's important to you, you can often see your tiny baby even as early as 6 weeks. It's simply not true that there is nothing to see. I considered it a grace and a blessing when I was able to find and bury my tiny children that were miscarried. Of course, that decision is very personal and will vary from woman to woman. This time, for my own peace, I photographed the little one I was able to see, so small you wouldn't believe. I probably would doubt myself over time if I didn't have the photos.

I would consider it a privilege to share privately with anyone who is facing miscarriage whatever information would help you to be at peace.

 Flowers my Mom brought me from her garden

From everything I know, it seems possible that I again miscarried twins. I can't say for sure since (like my first miscarriage, at 12 weeks) one baby was more clearly visible. It also seems likely that I recently had a very early miscarriage (also known as "chemical pregnancy"),  unrecognized until later. I can't know the details for certain, but I do believe I will know someday, when I meet those precious souls in the next life. They are treasures to our family and I count on their prayers for us since they live in the very presence of God!

I look forward to one day knowing these little people and finding out who they really are. We have chosen names for them, because it helps them seem more real and present to us. I personally feel best choosing a gender-specific name based on my instincts, rather than an ambiguous name - again, a very personal choice which feels right for us. (We might get a surprise or two on the other side!) Our children here with us know about the babies and love them and feel connected to them as well. With half our family in the next life, the distance between heaven and earth feels not quite so vast.

Statue of Jesus blessing the children, 

that marks our babies' graves

 

We know that we are not alone in our loss. Miscarriage is not easy to discuss but it is a common sorrow, held deeply in the hearts of families, especially mothers, everywhere. Please keep our family in your prayers as we grieve our loss in the present, try to accept God's will now and in the future, and celebrate the eternal happiness of our children who were here on earth with us so briefly.