Our Babies in Heaven

I've had a really hard time finding my voice lately amid the special difficulties we have faced this year. Sharing with the world can be challenging in terms of finding a balance. But in one area I know we are in good company: so many families have little ones waiting in heaven. Our pregnancies have always been welcomed and celebrated, including our most recent, which was entirely too short.

May 5th I found out I was 4 weeks along - complete shock! At 42, I had sort of assumed I was past my time. What a time of praise and joy, as well as nerves and uncertainty!

We only knew for about 10 days before we had to say goodbye... at 6 weeks I miscarried. Having miscarried twins in 2007, I had a little experience going in. It's been important for me to know exactly what is happening and what to look for during miscarriage, and there is plenty of good information online now. Personal accounts helped me the most. I would like to emphasize for anyone who has yet to experience this loss that, if it's important to you, you can often see your tiny baby even as early as 6 weeks. It's simply not true that there is nothing to see. I considered it a grace and a blessing when I was able to find and bury my tiny children that were miscarried. Of course, that decision is very personal and will vary from woman to woman. This time, for my own peace, I photographed the little one I was able to see, so small you wouldn't believe. I probably would doubt myself over time if I didn't have the photos.

I would consider it a privilege to share privately with anyone who is facing miscarriage whatever information would help you to be at peace.

 Flowers my Mom brought me from her garden

From everything I know, it seems possible that I again miscarried twins. I can't say for sure since (like my first miscarriage, at 12 weeks) one baby was more clearly visible. It also seems likely that I recently had a very early miscarriage (also known as "chemical pregnancy"),  unrecognized until later. I can't know the details for certain, but I do believe I will know someday, when I meet those precious souls in the next life. They are treasures to our family and I count on their prayers for us since they live in the very presence of God!

I look forward to one day knowing these little people and finding out who they really are. We have chosen names for them, because it helps them seem more real and present to us. I personally feel best choosing a gender-specific name based on my instincts, rather than an ambiguous name - again, a very personal choice which feels right for us. (We might get a surprise or two on the other side!) Our children here with us know about the babies and love them and feel connected to them as well. With half our family in the next life, the distance between heaven and earth feels not quite so vast.

Statue of Jesus blessing the children, 

that marks our babies' graves

 

We know that we are not alone in our loss. Miscarriage is not easy to discuss but it is a common sorrow, held deeply in the hearts of families, especially mothers, everywhere. Please keep our family in your prayers as we grieve our loss in the present, try to accept God's will now and in the future, and celebrate the eternal happiness of our children who were here on earth with us so briefly.

 

November Ponderings

Well, I never had any visions of discussing weighty topics here, but November does make me pause to reflect on eternity and the hereafter. Not only do we begin the month with the feast of All Saints - a joyful celebration - but we (as Catholics) spend All Souls' Day and the entire month remembering the souls still awaiting their reward.

Lately, I have heard of the passing of several acquaintances, including Mr. Berquist, one of the founders of my Alma Mater. And this is also a time that I commemorate the pregnancy or infant losses of some dear mommy friends... always a hard reality to understand. Combine these with nature's movement toward cold and darkness, well - it's easy to ponder eternal realities!

Interestingly, it's also a time when the hint of celebrations soon to come bring some excitement and anticipation to the gray days. In fact, the very season we anticipate promises the antidote to death - death and sin give way to Light and Life! Recently, I read a passage in a booklet that captures the hope that Christians have:


"Death is now a supernatural event, a highway to Heaven. For Christ has given death new meaning... 'Thou hast made death glorious and triumphant, for through its portals we enter into the presence of the living God.' "


It's sometimes difficult for me not to let the material world and its present sorrows weigh on me. I internalize the troubles of others easily - and with the access to the world enabled by the internet - well, there are many, many sorrows. We need to feed our souls with hope and joy! Scripture reading is second to none for keeping us grounded in the eternal. There is a wealth of other reading available to encourage our hearts on this journey. One book I read a few years ago was a logical study of heaven - immensely captivating and one I would recommend: A Travel Guide To Heaven.

While pondering many endings at this time of year, how blessed we are to have the the comforts offered by our Faith - a new Church year beginning soon with the hopeful seasons of Advent and Christmas, the consolation of the communion of saints united in praising God in heaven and on earth, and the expectation of our bodily resurrection on the last day. Like the natural world around us, we rest in the winter of our existence, knowing that the coming of springtime is only a matter of time.

Read more about the Catholic belief in the resurrection of the body at the Knights of Columbus website here. Scroll down to Lesson 9.

(photo credit)

Heaven's Gain

I have been so sad all week, but especially today, for my brother-in-law and sister-in-law who surrendered their third tiny saint into the arms of God. Please pray for C and K as they walk this familiar and difficult path of miscarriage and wait for the Lord's will in building their family. I am trying to remember that our life here is brief and that we reap rejoicing for eternity! But the tears still fall in the bitter present. Praise God for His beautiful tiny child, whom we are confident intercedes now for his or her beloved family.

For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. Jeremiah 29:11

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