What's New With The Kids

This is the journal entry I keep needing to make - the one to remind myself of where we were at this time in our lives, a few years from now...  I'm sharing so you can peek into life as we know it right now!

Brendan ~ Eight-and-a-half now, beefing up suddenly and he seems sooo big. He still asks for hugs every day, and I'm seizing these opportunities, while hoping that they won't really go away, even when he is a much bigger boy. I think to myself almost daily that I am not ready to be the mother of big kids!! The Transformer craze is not going away. Some days I wish we could have diversified a little more or steered him in another direction, because I am left wondering if there is any way this interest could contribute to a meaningful future. It made me feel better one day to hear some teenage boys in our homeschool group discussing the parallels between the Transfomer storyline and medieval history. Now that would be a fun way to learn! We are commonly held hostage to long "reviews" about individual Transformers, complete with step-by-step instructions for getting them into different modes (yawn). I have to say, Brendan's vocabulary is immense, and one reason he reads so well is because he's pursued something he's passionate about. I would rather have him reading Transformer packaging than Dick and Jane books, truthfully. He still loves marine life, although it's not as much a part of his daily activities at this point. He is a good helper to his siblings, even if they frequently irritate him. He's a Transformer buddy to Benjamin, and a creative playmate to Molly, easily getting into her schemes and instigating rowdy games of "chase" and hide-and-seek. Of course she adores him and eats it all up.

Benjamin ~ is our kid gifted with wondrous natural abilities of all kinds. He has endless pieces of electronic equipment dissected in his bedroom, boxes of circuit boards, fans, wires and other parts. He's a Lego wizard, and plays with building toys in a really unique way that we haven't seen with other kids. He collects those free apartment guides to study floor plans and exteriors, and "designs" future building projects with a ruler and pencil. I hope he becomes an architect and builds me a pretty house someday :) It's amazing to see how building is in his soul already! He's also naturally athletic, especially loving his pogo stick from St. Nick last Christmas. Sometimes we call him "monkey boy" because he's always perched on the edge of something, holding on with his toes, or twisted up like a pretzel. Ben's a relatively new six-year-old, so he's still super-cuddly and loves his Mama lots. He's the one who first started saying "Mama - all mine!" a few years ago, which now has passed down to Molly. Sometimes they fight about it. Oh, the hardship...

Molly ~ is so precociously two right now. Extremely imaginative, decisive and opinionated, she keeps everyone hopping to keep up with her ideas. I'm daily astounded by her verbal abilities. Of course I never compare (wink) but I am certainly not used to so much conversation with someone barely two-and-a-half. Frequently heard during the day: "Hey, I had a ideee-a!" She insists on endless "role-playing" with her stuffed animals and dolls, and really likes making them cry so she can make them feel better! I have to hold them upright and make them "talk" until she is content, and God help me if I am done before she is! Fortunately, she is pretty distract-able. I just have to mention another idea, ("How about making a picnic for Moosie?") and she's off and running with it. An interesting character named "Monser Beww" (Monster Bear) has emerged in the dramas. He chases everyone and tries to eat them. So, also frequently heard: "I a Monser Beww! I do-nna EAAT you!!! Yesss!" Great fun, running and screaming with big brothers. Thankfully, she also like to play "baby", informing me "You a Mama, I a bee-bee," while snuggling in for hugs and kisses. I wish it would never end!

Joy In The Morning

This week, I'm joining Elizabeth and her readers in taking Small Steps toward joy! It's the virtue of the month in her latest book, Small Steps For Catholic Moms. It's on my wish list still, but I am along for the ride in trying to focus on the joy to be found in today.

Oh, it's so easy during these long, dark winter days to lose our peace, our patience and our joy! A disagreement with a friend or spouse, an online debate, financial struggles or health issues, all can take their tolls. Negative talk takes over our brains, and sometimes our lips. It takes some intentional effort to change the direction of our thoughts. Sometimes, joy doesn't happen on its own.

The trouble is the effect that those of us who are mothers at home have on the little (and big) ones in our care when we lose that joy. No denying it - I see clearly that it's my job to set the tone for the day here, regardless of the personal challenges that may make it difficult. I do want my family to remember our days at home being cheerful and joy-filled, and some days it's pretty clear those aren't the memories we're making.

So, sticky note on the screen: Today, I will choose JOY. Those other thoughts of fear, worry, impatience and discontent: in His hands for today. Choosing joy at the beginning of the day might help start some momentum in the right direction! Stealing some thoughts I read from the other joy-seekers on Elizabeth's page, mixed with some plans of my own, here are some other small steps I will take to harbor joy:

~ I will greet my children cheerfully when I first see them in the morning
~ I will put on joyful music as the soundtrack to our day
~ I will make an effort to respond with joyful patience to small requests
~ I will set times through the day to turn to God and ask for His help
~ I will conduct "smile checks" during the day to make sure my face is on board with the program!

Anyone want to come along for the ride?

Here's a small joy from this day, which found me under the weather. I'm sure I don't have to tell you all, it's no small thing to have this privilege:

Today

Sometimes I spend a lot of time in my own head. When daily worries, tasks and stresses occupy my mind, I can just go through the motions of taking care of my family, sometimes arriving at the end of the day without ever really connecting to the kids in an intentional way. Sometimes I even seek that distance, when the daily demands of continuous parenting seem too tedious. I am not saying that I neglect my kids - far from it - but there are many times when they seem to be at the periphery of my life, not at the heart of it. Yes, they are with me physically, and they know I will meet their bodily needs, but we all know how it feels to have someone mentally or emotionally absent even when physically present: not too great. Lately I've been thinking about what it feels like for them to see me constantly staring at a screen, hidden behind a book, or talking on the phone. I am sure at times it seems that I treat them more as an interruption than the reason I get up each morning! 

This week I have spent a lot of time online trying to research election issues, and a ridiculous amount of time on the phone for other reasons. It's one of those times when you know in your heart you need to make amends and steer that ship back to the right course. I decided, just for the day, to be totally with my kids, enjoy them, love on them and make them feel special. No computer time while they were with me. No commitments, long conversations or other distractions. I deliberately overdid it in order to set the tone for the long-term changes I hope to make after today. I don't think it's necessary or even wise to focus every day to this extent, but it certainly is good to feed their souls a hearty helping every now and then. If it makes focusing on "daily nutrition" a little easier afterward, so much the better!

Taking my inspiration from this post, I set up a "good morning" picnic in a sunny spot, complete with loads of pillows and a pile of our favorite books.  We snuggled long and read to our hearts' content.

 
The rest of the day we played games, hunted outside for hickory nuts, used them in crafts (my next post), watched movies with a side of popcorn, pumpkin bread and hot tea, talked and listened. They helped me cook. We built a giant train track. Later it became a "river" for sailing the hickory nut boats we'd made. I didn't drift away into grown-up world. 

Old habits die hard, and at times it was hard to avoid my habitual escapes. There were meltdowns and temper flares and aggravations like regular days. I wasn't perfect, to be sure. But it felt so good at the end of the day to know we had connected in a big way. Even I had a really fun day! In tending my children's hearts, my mama's heart was fed.

As often discovered on my parenting journey, I again found that pushing away little people whose needs seem too big at a given time, only makes those needs increase. Embracing rather than running from these demands, while difficult, pays big dividends in confidence, trust and security.

Now if only I can remember that tomorrow. It's errand and grocery day, with 3 helpers!!

Simplicity Parenting

I feel like I'm the last person in my (blog) circle to read this book! But I'm glad I finally did, because while I thought we had a pretty simple lifestyle and attitude regarding childrearing, I got a fresh perspective on several issues that had never even occurred to me. Additionally, some principles we know intuitively, but may have neglected to consider consciously. Sometimes, too, we just need a kick in the pants to take action and make some things happen in our own households. Simplicity Parenting gave me something at each level.

In a nutshell, Simplicity Parenting is about why and how we should de-toxify the atmosphere in which our children grow and develop. Frankly, I was expecting some warmed-over version of decluttering advice I'd heard before. But for someone who picked up the book with an attitude of "I already know this", it was a nice surprise to be challenged to think in terms of much more than clearing out the toybox.

Many parents may already sense that kids are overwhelmed with "stuff" and over-scheduled with too many activities for healthy development. These ideas aren't really new, but the way Simplicity Parenting addresses the causes and effects is uniquely compelling.  The author's section on environment focuses on physical surroundings, with wonderful tips for reducing not only toys, but clothes. books and other good things that are simply lost in the shuffle. The chapter on scheduling offers anecdotes from real families who creatively tailored a balance of outside or family activities to nurture, instead of drain, their childrens' reserves.

The most eye-opening, thought-provoking chapters for me touch on the need for  rhythm and filtering the adult world. Many parents may not think of ways they might reduce the choices children need to make, or the conversations dealing with adult topics which might be overheard. We are wise to ponder what media input our kids are experiencing, even indirectly, or how much predictable, comfortable routine they can depend on. So many small things go into the overload of today's childhood, resulting in needless anxiety and its associated disorders. The key for parents is making conscious decisions on these issues for the good of our children, with an eye toward life-long security and confidence. Giving them the tools to create this balance for themselves as they mature is icing on the cake.

If I thought I had nothing to learn from this book, since we don't have many outside commitments or a typically stressful two-income household, I was wrong! Every paragraph was loaded with food for thought. There are many areas of family life which I had not consciously considered before, and it was a blessing to have them brought to my attention. Kim John Payne writes in an extremely inoffensive, refreshing style. No matter how far I might be from the ideals offered in his pages, I didn't feel guilty - just inspired to work harder to make some changes. So many of his methods allow for "baby steps" that anyone might implement in family life. He stresses the importance of adjusting for the particular circumstances of the individual family, noting that even small changes are a step towards more peace in our children's lives. As a slightly unorthodox family in terms of schedules and habits, it was nice to be offered such flexibility, and not to be pigeon-holed into a one-size-fits-all solution.

It's my belief that any family will find Simplicity Parenting thought-provoking and genuinely refreshing. I'm so glad I finally took the time to request it from the library and see what all the buzz was about. It was definitely worth my time!

Staying Home

 
I can point to many seasons in my life up until now, and probably could slap a label on most of them. One that has been ongoing, and pretty much simultaneous with my childbearing career, could be labeled Stuck At Home. I know this is not a terribly common problem to have, as many people are more concerned with not being home enough, as I once was.... but bear with me here.

Having been a free spirit from the age of about 16 until said childbearing, which began at age 33, it was quite a reality shift when I brought Brendan home and became responsible for him every moment. The days began to stretch on... and on... They ran together and often, I couldn't even come up with the date if you asked me! Going from two incomes to one meant that we also went down to one car for the majority of the time. With mostly 12 hour shifts and frequent overnights, sometimes even weeks at a time, my dear husband (and the car) were noticeably absent. Are noticeably absent! We further limited our social life by keeping an off-beat schedule (call it 2nd shift) and having 3 kids in 6 years - both more or less intentional. And of course, we chose to homeschool. It added up to lots and lots and lots of time at home for the kids and me.

When Jeff began working 7 days a week earlier this year just to keep a roof over our heads, I did expect to stay home even more. But dear friends took pity on us and lent us a spare car indefinitely. My world suddenly seemed wide open! The possibilities were endless! All 3 kids are old enough to take places with relative ease at this point, and I had a nice list of things I hoped to do with them. I had so many plans... and then the wretched heat set in. There is no AC in the van. We do enjoy going to the store any time of day we need to now, but any longer trips are just too hot for me to strap the kids in the back row with windows that won't open. So... for now, stuck at home it is. (Fortunately, it's a good home to be stuck at, all things considered!)

It must be recorded that, at the beginning of these years, I did not accept my situation gracefully. The four walls closed in relentlessly and, although my choices, our choices, were the cause, I still resented everyone with freedom of movement - including my husband, who, ironically, gets to drive all day and see lots of interesting people and places, sometimes even St. Louis! If you can imagine... (This is not the tone in which he describes his job, however. The grass is always greener...)

The demands of several small children coupled with the isolation and monotony were too much at times. I did try to break it up by having friends over to play, especially the last few years, but that in itself was also demanding. The ability to keep the house together when four or more people are constantly in it is, well, a superpower which I do not possess. But the chaos adds to the dejection and the isolation. I well remember when we lived near my in-laws, the relief I felt when they would sometimes bundle both kids (we had 2 at the time) into the stroller and take them for a walk. A precious hour or two meant that I could get ahead of the rising tide of clutter. Once in a while, I would just nap during that time. What a blessing it was for me, one that many mothers would give their right arms for!

Being alone in my own home is as necessary for me as occasionally getting out. This couldn't happen when I had a tiny infant, of course, but having the older kids go out with my sister or my husband for a few hours was a godsend. It used to be rare indeed. Luckily, in the past year, it has become a regular occurrence and is the source of my sanity! Isolation is a genuine concern for many newer moms, and each family will need to hammer out a solution depending on personalities and circumstances. Eight years in, I have figured out some coping mechanisms for myself. At the same time, my thinking has shifted a little regarding this season of staying home.

Recently I followed a discussion among some homeschooling moms who lamented the over-scheduling, scattering and running that is so prevalent in families with growing children. Every single mom who replied to the discussion advised choosing fewer activities and enjoying more togetherness while it was still possible. Most poignant were the words of older moms whose children had already left - the years were too short and the commitments were too many. I began to look at our extreme togetherness as more of a blessing.

Interestingly, even without many outside obligations, the world comes into our home in so many ways anyway. We finally ditched TV service, but the internet is ever-present and a bigger part of my children's lives than I ever expected. People visit us frequently - hardly a week goes by when we don't have guests, usually a houseful of children. We are now able to participate in some homeschool group functions, church activities and frequent family gatherings. These provide an important social outlet, but truth be told, there were times we didn't have many of these. When the children are very young, I think these are less important than many people believe. The home and family provide a familiar and secure environment in which little souls grow and flourish. It is the moms who really crave companionship, and find creative ways to get it.

Since my children are still young, I don't have experience to go by when envisioning our lives with teens. I like to think we will still have the friends they grew up with, and some group activities based on our interests and church involvement. Co-oping some classes at the high school level sounds like something I would have enjoyed as a young adult. Some mobility is a godsend for providing educational experiences for growing kids. But those words of the experienced moms ring in my ears - never sorry for how little their families had taken on, but for how much. We will need to guard against over-committing in those all-important years as well.

I'm well aware that balance is the key to sanity in any season of life. Clearly, I have sometimes been too isolated, and others mothers I know have been too busy. We all need some quiet, some recreation and some diversion. But for those who have made difficult choices for the sake of the family life they aspire to, the focus need not only be on the sacrifices and the deprivation. These long days at home can be a sort of incubator for the young family to put down its roots, undistracted by tightly-packed schedules and outside expectations. It may take the perspective of years to truly understand that it is so, but meanwhile, choosing to love the season for its very challenges can free us from resentment and bring contentment to our hearts.

What I know right now is that "stuck at home" is where I am supposed to be. I feel sure this is increasingly temporary for our family, so I have tried harder to embrace my season of life. The dawn-to-dusk noise of an energetic brood and the inevitable disarray still makes me crazy, but I am trying not to hide so often from my kids behind a computer screen or in a book. It occurred to me that I could view these years as my "novitiate" - traditionally, the time a young woman becoming a nun would take to separate from the world and even from loved ones, in order to focus on her new life of service to God. My novitiate would be my time to attend the school of my children's hearts, to learn how to serve them and love them, how to teach them and reach them in their own unique ways. It should be a time for turning inward and nurturing in the heart of the family. The outside world will claim them soon enough.

Each family will need to decide at some point how much outside activity is beneficial for its particular needs. For some, circumstances will dictate a path they might not originally have chosen. Others choose to be at home, but find it daunting, especially in the early years of parenting. If being home seems more challenging than expected, we can grit our teeth and offer it up. Or we can wrap our arms around this amazing gift and choose to love it and to use it grow both personally and as a family. In a very few years, we will already see that it was a blessing and a particular grace from God, not to be squandered by thoughts of self-pity and resentment. The family tree deeply rooted in this fertile time of grace will surely bear abundant fruit in the future.